Some humor long overdue

One of these days, I will transcribe some of my favorite sketches from I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again. Until then, enjoy this one I stole from wikipedia:


Transcript of "Murder on the 3.17 to Cleethorpes" (March 1970).
'Cliff Hanger-Ending' of the British secret service has been asked to take secret documents to Cleethorpes. He arrives at the station.
Cliff Hanger-Ending (Hatch): I decided to go by that famous train, the 3.17 to Cleethorpes. Whenever its name was mentioned, men whispered of danger and excitement.
Crowd: danger and excitement, danger and excitement etc.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: I went to the ticket office and tapped on the shutter
Tap Tap Tap
Ticket office operator (Oddie): G'morning sir, can I help you?
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Yes
Ticket office operator: Wrong, Ha-
Shutter slams shut
Knocks again
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Look here, I want a return ticket
Ticket office operator: Where to?
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Back here, of course
Ticket office operator: Congratulations, sir, you're the one millionth passenger to have cracked that joke, you can have the ticket free.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Thank you very much. I'm going to Cleethorpes
Ticket office operator: Well, in that case, your train will be the 3.17 to Cleethorpes.
Crowd: danger and excitement, danger and excitement etc.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: And what time does it arrive?
Ticket office operator: Well it gets in at exactly, on the dot, precisely, 7.59 and 3.8 seconds. Give or take a couple of weeks.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Is there a buffet car on the train?
Ticket office operator: Oh, Yes sir, Yes sir, Yes sir. British Rail guarantee that there is definitely and certainly a buffet car on the train. On the train there is bound to be, without a shadow of a doubt, positively and without fail, unquestionably and absolutely, a buffet car... I should take sandwiches just in case.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: And what platform does it leave from?
Ticket office operator: Get lost
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Now look here my little man, you have been consistently surly, unhelpful, obstreperous and downright rude.
Ticket office operator: Well that's what I’m here for, just doing my job.
Interjection: Oh, is that it?
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Well, I'd better get a porter to help me. I say, Porter!
Porter (Brooke-Taylor): And I say potato.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: I say, you there
Porter: And I say potato.
Cliff Hanger-Ending (Angry): Porter!
Porter: Potato!
Cliff Hanger-Ending: You there!
Porter: Potato!
Cliff Hanger-Ending and Porter (singing): Let's call the whole thing off!
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Now look, that's just silly. Are you a porter?
Porter: Yes, guv, I am guv, thank you guv, thank you very much, guv.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Well, carry my suitcase to the 3.17 to Cleethorpes.
Porter: You must be joking, guv'nor, cheerio, I'm off.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Oh dear, only two minutes to go and I still don't know where to get on the 3.17 to Cleethorpes.
Crowd: danger and excitement, danger and excitement etc.
Tannoy (Kendall): The next train to arrive at platform two will be Stephenson's Rocket. We apologise for the delay to the surviving passengers. Also delayed is the 2.25 to Hull. It will be leaving at 2.26, tomorrow. Or the day after. Perhaps not at all. It just depends how we feel, and don't you forget it.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: Well, perhaps they'll have some information about my train.
Tannoy: Not if we can help it. Here is an important announcement. The 2.50 to the West Country will not now be stopping at Land's End (note: Land's End is the most westerly point in Cornwall). The train standing at platform 5 is the 2.31 to Glasgow. Passengers will have to change at Crewe as the seats are extremely dirty. And now, British Rail wish to announce the following important joke. The train now standing at platforms 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 has come in sideways.
Interjection: That is a very, very old joke.
Tannoy: We apologise for the late arrival of the last joke.
Cliff Hanger-Ending: And soon, at last, I was soon aboard the 3.17 to Cleethorpes (Danger&Excitement), carrying those important secret documents.
Interjection: Oh, come on! Everyone's forgotten about the plot by now. You've spent so much time on cheap jokes at the expense of British Rail.
Tannoy: British Rail apologise for the delay in the development of the plot.
Train leaves

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